My College Struggle

My College Struggle

 

It has been months since I planned to write this but I’m just doing it now because I allowed myself, after months of not doing it, to cry over it the other night. And honestly, editing this post now, after our thesis has been rejected earlier today, all I want to do is hug someone for like 200 years and cry on their shoulders.

Last Sunday night, I allowed myself to cry over my struggles with college.

Struggling with college is normal, really. If you aren’t facing any difficulties with college then I’m questioning you. Most of you don’t know that my course is Bachelor of Science in Education Major in English which prepares me to be, obviously, an English high school teacher. A profession I don’t want to be in my life.

If you have told the nine year old me years ago that I would take this course in college, I would be glad, excited even. The nine year old me used to teach her youngers cousins (I boss them around too, of course). I had lots of dreams when I was younger of which being a teacher was included but growing up, I knew that it was not the work I want to do in the future.

When I was a senior in high school I was 100% sure I want to take Creative Writing in college. So I applied to the University of the Philippines and I failed the exam thus not permitting me to take Creative Writing. So I applied to another university and I passed the test, the problem is, they offer limited courses. I told one of the professors that I like to write and she advised me to take BSE English. It was from the mouth of a professor so I decided to just take the course, besides, there would be literature in being an Education English major so I thought it would be fun and I wouldn’t be stressed with it. Oh how wrong I was.

Now, this is not meant to offend any teachers and education students out there. I know teachers who are so dedicated to their work and I really admire them for it but I know it is not the profession for me. I know I could never do the fantastic things they do.

If I dream about achieving or being something, my mind is set to be really, really good at it and I know if I become a teacher I couldn’t be good at it. Being a teacher is such a huge responsibility that I know if I become one, I wouldn’t be good and it’s just unfair to the students the reason, simply is, because it’s not what I want to do with my life. It’s not just me looking down at my own abilities but me admitting to myself that this is not just the profession for me. I don’t want to be a teacher. That’s it. I’m in my third year in college and I didn’t imagine this was going to be this hard. That I would have to make like a hundred visual aids, present lessons in front of the class and make a bunch of lesson plans. In addition to those things, I have to observe several English classes at a local public high school 14 hours a week and have to make a research.  This is not just me complaining about my course requirement. This is simply me, saying I don’t want to be in this course. You may say “Angel, you could just shift courses” and I really wish that it’s simple like that but it isn’t and I’ll tell you why later.

I’m not sure if I still want to take Creative Writing now but you see, ever since I was 10 I wanted to work in publishing. It’s what I want to do in my whole freaking life. When I work at a publishing company in the future I know I would be good at it because it’s what I really want to do and I wouldn’t consider it work.

The problem is money. It’s always money, isn’t it? We were never rich in the first place but I would say my family weren’t struggling this hard financially before. Something bad and really unfair happened to us years before and it just left us with so much financial burden. I’m studying at a university where the tuition fee for a whole semester would only be the price of two hardbound books. Yep, that’s how affordable my tuition fee is. Another thing is I looked up for any college/university that is offering a publishing course here in the Philippines and I didn’t find any. I would have to study abroad to take that course which unfortunately can’t happen to me right now because of our financial struggle.

I’m so jealous of people who are going after what they want to be. Of people who are taking steps, courses or whatever they’re taking just so they can reach their dreams. I’m so jealous of people who are majoring in Publishing. I’m so jealous that some people get to intern at publishing companies.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still super thankful to my parents for working so hard just to get me through college. They know I don’t like this course and if they/we have the money, I know they would let me study Publishing. I’m thankful that even I’m studying a course I don’t want, the fact is, I’m still studying. I’m still in college. But sometimes it’s just so hard. It’s so hard of being forced to study when I don’t want to just because it doesn’t bring me a step closer to working at a publishing company.

I still have a plan to change this, of course. I’m constantly on the search for a publishing scholarship. I’d like to think I would get one someday soon but if I don’t I have another plan. That’s me: planning the hell out of my life. I just hope all my plans work out for me.


 

Are you struggling with your studies? If you already graduated in college, are you doing the work you love?

20 thoughts on “My College Struggle

  1. I understand your struggle very well because I also want to be doing editing and publishing instead of what I am doing now…instead, I’m a psychology and elementary education double major and I’m really afraid for the future. I’m sure that I’ll be able to teach but I worry I’ll not find a job, if this is truly my calling, and whether I will end up regretting it. I am jealous too because the publishing industry is so competitive and I need to be practical. I get exactly where you’re coming from, so don’t fret since you’re not alone. I’m here to talk to if you want. In the meantime, enjoy your semester! I’m a junior so I want to make the most of my years and continue to have fun despite my loaded schedule.

    1. Thank you for sharing your own struggles. 🙂 I hope we can reach our dreams soon and I’ll definitely talk to you whenever I feel down with my studies. Thanks for dropping by! 🙂

  2. Awww, Angel! I feel you, girl, I really do. I took up BA European Studies at Ateneo de Manila University, and the only thing I was grateful for that course were the extensive French classes (which were a requirement) but other than that, I didn’t enjoy my course at all. It was only later when I realized that this wasn’t the field I wanted to spend my life in. I mean, politics is great and all; diplomacy is something that isn’t easily learned, and not everyone can be good in a European language, but I just didn’t enjoy it. But at the same time, I didn’t want to waste the money earned and spent by my parents to finish this course so I just continued on and graduated, and now I’m in a biiiig slump because I couldn’t find any jobs that I would enjoy and at the same time would find any benefits from the stuff I learned in school.

    Right now, I’m still searching. I’m still wondering and pondering and trying my damn best to find the things that would make me happy in the long run. I love writing, too! I love publishing as well, and I love the langauges, so I’m hoping that my being active in the blogosphere, that my reviewing and constant reading, would pave the way to that version of Me that I want to be in the future. I don’t have any real and legit advice right now, but I just want to say that NEVER GIVE UP. Life is a constant struggle, and it’s up to us to find ways to get there. Try your best to finish your course, and when you’re done, you can start finding ways to achieve your dream. Intern at a publishing house, get experience in similar fields, then one day, whether or not you graduated CW or English, people will find you capable for the job of your dreams <3
    Faye la Patata recently posted…Review: Serpentine by Cindy Pon – Walls of text plus boring heroine? Ughhhh!My Profile

    1. Ate Faye seriously, thank you for your comment! I’m inspired by it that I did great on my first demo teaching (even though I would rather not do it)! So yeah, I’ll just finish this course then maybe, someday I would get to study Publishing then work the job I love. Who knows, maybe we would even be workmates! 😀

  3. Wow, that’s tough. I cannot say I can feel or understand your struggles, not saying I didn’t have any of my own, but yours is very different from my own personal experience. In high school I did not know what I wanted to with my life. I took a year off and did a little bit of soul searching and took a few meetings with the local college’s career counselling office where we spoke and I took a couple of tests that would summarize the most “ideal” careers for me. After thinking about it, the tests were practically medieval. The top result I received from both tests was librarian, this came primarily from my, at the time opinion of, hating people and my dislike to working with people.
    Now anybody who knows the current life of library, knows that there is no such thing as a “quiet” library, with the exception of an academic library. Needless to say, when I started my two-year course, I thought it was no problem but once conversations of noise levels and human interaction became apparent, I was dreading the next step of graduating and getting out into the working world.
    I cried a lot, especially after I’ve been surrounded by very dedicated people to a field they seem to know so much more about than I do. I was the person who just “chose it out of a hat”. I was scared that I couldn’t amount to anything of expectation. That I’d be back to working retail in a job that I’ll hate for the rest of my life, doing work I despised, being around people who couldn’t challenge my intellect even if I gave them the time.
    Fast forward to today, it’s now been about 4 years since I graduated. I worked several contract jobs before a life event forced me back to move in with my parents where I found a job within a month (a rarity), in the field I was looking for. Once I started working and became comfortable with my clients and my coworkers, I realized how much I actually loved my job – or at least the field I was “selected” to do. After a year working there, I started online courses in my BA with a major in Poli Sci. This year I’m on course #3 – Sociology. Once I finish all this, I’d like to start my Masters in Library Sciences, and eventually open my own business or operate a public library.
    I’m not trying to compare our situations, but I’d like to say that although I don’t know you, and that we are both different people. Perhaps you’ll find a niche that could utilize your education which can help fund your way to Publishing. Publishing sounds great. But I hope you don’t give up on what you’ve started, because you never know how handy it could be, especially if you have to fall back on it.
    Best of luck,
    Krys
    Krys recently posted…Review: Angelfall by Susan EeMy Profile

  4. I have very similar feels to you…I went to school for history ed. And I would be OKAY with being a history teacher- except my husband got a job and the only job anywhere near here is a middle school teacher for ALL subjects. I have decided that I don’t even want to teach and would rather just create my own biz.
    Hayli recently posted…6 Things to send in your emailsMy Profile

  5. Oh, sweetie, I feel your pain. First, I want to applaud you on knowing and admitting that you don’t want to teach. I cannot even tell you how many teachers I know who ended up teaching “just because” and they are not great teachers because they don’t care. It takes a LOT of insight and maturity to be able to admit that, so the fact that you have already puts you at an advantage!

    Now, things are different I am sure in the US than in the Philippines, which is evidenced by the fact that you can go to college for less than a boxed set of books 😉 But here, it doesn’t matter so much what your degree is, it seems. For example: I have a BA in Business Administration, and my major was Sports Management. I have an eerily similar story about a higher-up at my college insisting that it would be the courses I’d need to do what I wanted to do (namely, something with swimming) in the future. It was 100% NOT what I needed or wanted, and I was miserable also.

    But when I graduated with said useless degree, I ended up lifeguarding for a few years, but then I got a job working with kids with autism and/or behavioral problems. How even!? I had a business degree for goodness sake! But apparently, it doesn’t matter WHAT your degree is in a lot of jobs, just that you HAVE a degree.

    Like I said, I don’t know if that is the case in the Philippines, but it is here, in a lot of fields, and I am almost certain that your degree, in the US at least, would absolutely allow you to pursue work at a publishing company!

    I am hesitant to answer your question, because I don’t want to discourage you, but in the spirit of honesty I will: No. Not even almost am I doing what I love. I graduated 10 years ago, and no. BUT, and this is a big but, I made a lot of choices that led me further from where I wanted to be, so just… don’t do that 😉 I had/have no faith in my own decisions, so I just went along with what my family thought I should do, just digging the hole deeper and deeper. Now, I vow to someday get out of that hole. That’s my goal.

    And I know that you will achieve your goals too- because a piece of paper and some courses should never define what you can and cannot do. You sound very driven, and I think any publishing company would be lucky to have you 🙂
    Shannon @ It Starts At Midnight recently posted…Among the Shadows Excerpt & GiveawayMy Profile

    1. Shannon you have no idea how much your comment means to me. It just lifted my mood over this situation! 🙂 It made me think that I could really work in publishing. I hope we land on our dream jobs someday. 😀

  6. Aw I hope things start getting better for you. I completely feel your struggles, I am in my current career because it was the easiest and most profitable option – rather than something I absolutely love. I mean I enjoy my job, but it has nothing to do with my real passion which is reading. I don’t think there’s a right answer in this case, of course, you should pursue your dreams – but on the other hand, a lot of people don’t get the luxury of that in life. But you should live life without regrets regardless, and I wish you the very best of luck in whatever you choose to do, and on finding that scholarship.
    Aentee @ Read at Midnight recently posted…Book Review: Crown of MidnightMy Profile

  7. I think college is a struggle for the majority of us. I went into it thinking one thing, then ended up changing my mind, twice. You’ll get to where you want to be, maybe not right away, but eventually.

  8. I am so sorry to hear about the finance struggles and the fact you are not enjoying your course. I understand your pain and struggles, but I can tell you a few things, though. And the first one is: Not all is lost. It never is. I am currently working in something I’ve always wanted but oh, boy, wasn’t it a long way to get here! I went to Uni to study nursing (all my life, I have been studying science, because that’s what people told me it’d be profitable). Needless to say, I was hating it. I went through Theory, okay. Then, we had the practice and I just wanted to die, because basically, that was not what I wanted to do in my life. My parents were extremely helpful, and helped me with the expenses to switch courses. I had to do exams all over again, including Geometry and History of Arts, which I knew nothing about, because no Arts University would accept a student coming from a Science course ( I don’t know how it works over there but in Portugal, we have the last three years of high school before going to Uni as specifics) . I finally got in a Design course – it was not everything I wanted, because it was general (included Interiors, Graphic and Product/Industrial). But, at least, I got a BA. Sometimes, I just wanted to give up, but I knew having a Design BA would be useful. Most of the Graphic Design stuff I know now was self taught but having the degree helped a lot. I moved from Portugal when I was around 23 because of the economic crisis, and I had to go through so many jobs I hated (even working in bars, etc). I landed my dream job in the agency where I work after starting with them in a completely different position (just so you have an idea).
    Anyway, I wish you the best luck.
    Also, I wanted to let you know I have nominated you here: https://nyareads.wordpress.com/2015/09/14/the-sisterhood-of-the-world-bloggers
    The link leads to my post with questions that you can answer if you want to:)
    Nya recently posted…The Sisterhood of The World BloggersMy Profile

    1. Thank you so much Nya! Sometimes I feel like giving up this course because it is not something I really wanted to study but then I keep thinking that having a degree is really important even if it is not a degree I want. Who knows, maybe I’ll still end up on publishing because of my Education background! 🙂

  9. I hope you continue working towards that dream of yours! I’m an aspiring writer/novelist and I’m currently (graduating already actually) in an accountancy program. So just like you, my path’s just a little bit too far from my intended life goal. But I’m not giving up on it. Here’s to our journey towards our dreams X

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