It has been months since I planned to write this but I’m just doing it now because I allowed myself, after months of not doing it, to cry over it the other night. And honestly, editing this post now, after our thesis has been rejected earlier today, all I want to do is hug someone for like 200 years and cry on their shoulders.
Last Sunday night, I allowed myself to cry over my struggles with college.
Struggling with college is normal, really. If you aren’t facing any difficulties with college then I’m questioning you. Most of you don’t know that my course is Bachelor of Science in Education Major in English which prepares me to be, obviously, an English high school teacher. A profession I don’t want to be in my life.
If you have told the nine year old me years ago that I would take this course in college, I would be glad, excited even. The nine year old me used to teach her youngers cousins (I boss them around too, of course). I had lots of dreams when I was younger of which being a teacher was included but growing up, I knew that it was not the work I want to do in the future.
When I was a senior in high school I was 100% sure I want to take Creative Writing in college. So I applied to the University of the Philippines and I failed the exam thus not permitting me to take Creative Writing. So I applied to another university and I passed the test, the problem is, they offer limited courses. I told one of the professors that I like to write and she advised me to take BSE English. It was from the mouth of a professor so I decided to just take the course, besides, there would be literature in being an Education English major so I thought it would be fun and I wouldn’t be stressed with it. Oh how wrong I was.
Now, this is not meant to offend any teachers and education students out there. I know teachers who are so dedicated to their work and I really admire them for it but I know it is not the profession for me. I know I could never do the fantastic things they do.
If I dream about achieving or being something, my mind is set to be really, really good at it and I know if I become a teacher I couldn’t be good at it. Being a teacher is such a huge responsibility that I know if I become one, I wouldn’t be good and it’s just unfair to the students the reason, simply is, because it’s not what I want to do with my life. It’s not just me looking down at my own abilities but me admitting to myself that this is not just the profession for me. I don’t want to be a teacher. That’s it. I’m in my third year in college and I didn’t imagine this was going to be this hard. That I would have to make like a hundred visual aids, present lessons in front of the class and make a bunch of lesson plans. In addition to those things, I have to observe several English classes at a local public high school 14 hours a week and have to make a research. This is not just me complaining about my course requirement. This is simply me, saying I don’t want to be in this course. You may say “Angel, you could just shift courses” and I really wish that it’s simple like that but it isn’t and I’ll tell you why later.
I’m not sure if I still want to take Creative Writing now but you see, ever since I was 10 I wanted to work in publishing. It’s what I want to do in my whole freaking life. When I work at a publishing company in the future I know I would be good at it because it’s what I really want to do and I wouldn’t consider it work.
The problem is money. It’s always money, isn’t it? We were never rich in the first place but I would say my family weren’t struggling this hard financially before. Something bad and really unfair happened to us years before and it just left us with so much financial burden. I’m studying at a university where the tuition fee for a whole semester would only be the price of two hardbound books. Yep, that’s how affordable my tuition fee is. Another thing is I looked up for any college/university that is offering a publishing course here in the Philippines and I didn’t find any. I would have to study abroad to take that course which unfortunately can’t happen to me right now because of our financial struggle.
I’m so jealous of people who are going after what they want to be. Of people who are taking steps, courses or whatever they’re taking just so they can reach their dreams. I’m so jealous of people who are majoring in Publishing. I’m so jealous that some people get to intern at publishing companies.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still super thankful to my parents for working so hard just to get me through college. They know I don’t like this course and if they/we have the money, I know they would let me study Publishing. I’m thankful that even I’m studying a course I don’t want, the fact is, I’m still studying. I’m still in college. But sometimes it’s just so hard. It’s so hard of being forced to study when I don’t want to just because it doesn’t bring me a step closer to working at a publishing company.
I still have a plan to change this, of course. I’m constantly on the search for a publishing scholarship. I’d like to think I would get one someday soon but if I don’t I have another plan. That’s me: planning the hell out of my life. I just hope all my plans work out for me.
Are you struggling with your studies? If you already graduated in college, are you doing the work you love?